One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was saying ‘No’ to a relationship I had been committed to for over 17 years.
We had worked at it for a long time, and I was starting to realize that my energy and health were becoming affected. Family and health are some of my top priorities and this conflict started to feel a bit like an unsolvable puzzle. I kept asking myself, “How could I do better?” “What else could I do to make it work?”
Finally it dawned on me… Maybe it was okay to surrender and just stop spinning my wheels so much.
Insert a big SIGHHHHH here.
And an Ahhhhhhhh…
As soon as I decided to stop, I immediately felt better.
Now some might say, “Well, that’s like giving up.” Uhhhh, yeah. It’s a lot like that. And I’m here to say that’s totally fine.
When I finally gave in and started learning how to say ‘No’, it was as if my spirit stepped forward with a resounding, “Finally! Where have you been all this time?”
I remember the day I stood face to face with my mate, shaking with fear as he listed off reason after reason why I should not only reconsider but also get on my knees and beg to come back. First off, “No F-ing way.” And secondly, “Really, NO!”
I had to say it multiple times that day and for days after.
Something started to happen with each day that passed. I felt lighter and brighter, clearer and more sure as the days went by.
Now I’m not saying if you are in a relationship and having trouble that you should release it today… No No. My message is about knowing when you are fighting the flow and driving yourself and those around you so nuts that saying ‘No’ can actually be a source of freedom for everyone involved.
I’m talking about your commitment to a higher road… what’s best for everyone.
Sometimes commitment can mean saying ‘No’ to all sorts of things, like relationships, or your career, or business, or hobbies, or habits…
What helps is knowing what your highest values are and finding ways to commit by saying YES to those. Knowing your values gives you the confidence to say NO to the wrong things.
If you are feeling conflicted, then you probably aren’t saying ‘No’ enough to the things or people that are making you compromise on your highest values.
How to Know When to Say ‘No’:
- Is the thing you are doing distracting you from your goal? For example, let’s say you have a goal to lose weight but you keep saying ‘Yes’ to bread. I know, I know… it’s bread, but what’s your higher value (maybe Health) and can you see how saying ‘No’ to the distraction item can get you closer to your higher commitment?
- Is the thing not meaningful to you? If it is not adding value personally or professionally, simply stop doing it. Make sure whatever you commit to is meaningful, worth your time, or creates joy for you.
- Does it feel like you “should” or “have to”? If it feels like a chore, find a way to change how you think about it or stop doing it. Only volunteer your time if it helps you hone your skills or you enjoy it.
- Is it keeping you from things or people you love? Sometimes we fill up our calendar with so many outings with friends and other commitments that it doesn’t give us free time, empty space to just be with those we love.
- Is it draining you? Are you committing so much to outside things that you don’t have any time for self care and recharging? Saying ‘No’ to offers from friends, family and others can mean you can say ‘Yes’ to reading a book you’ve been wanting to read or going for a massage or doing meditation.
If you haven’t figured out your highest values yet, read this article to learn how. Once you know these values, try this short meditation to figure out where you might need to say ‘No.’
Meditation to Help You Say ‘No’
- Close your eyes and focus on your breath for a few moments. Allow your energy to settle and your shoulders to relax.
- Wait… wait for a thought to enter your mind or a distraction to come up. Sometimes the body starts to itch somewhere. Or you might feel anxious energy. Or you might find yourself thinking about something that happened to you or something you need to do. Let this happen. Wait here for a few minutes and really lock on to that thing! Feel the itch happening. Hear the laundry list of stuff and go through all the items. Watch and wait for this to happen.
- Then gently smile and in your mind say, “No, not right now.” And go back to your breath and notice the empty space you have for a few moments. See how long it takes before the next distraction or thought enters. And when it does, smile at it and again release it by saying, “No, not right now.”
- When you have done this a few times, and feel ready to come out of the meditation, gently open your eyes, ground yourself by looking around you and naming items you see, feeling yourself sitting in your chair. And then gently move your body.
Saying ‘No’ can mean the difference between a happy you and a you who is living for everyone and everything else. When you re-commit your energy to your spirit and make sure it’s getting heard, you not only ensure a healthy body, mind and soul, but you are also ensuring a more joyful journey.
